Holding space is a true
selfless act on a soul level
It is when
you journey through tough times, emotional issues with someone and do not
judge, offer advice, or try to steer in any way. You are there to hold the
space around them as a safe and secure space for them to feel and process their
emotions in whatever way or timetable they need.
But what if, all you want to do it to FIX IT for them?
It is sooooo hard!
I get it. I am the caregiver for my mom who has dementia.
I CAN’T fix it. I am helpless.
All I can do is hold space for her during this last part of her life.
I see fear, confusion, anger, denial, and pain flash in her face on a daily basis. Every cell in me wants to make things better for her.
She gave me life, she raised me, loved me and kept me safe.
And there is not a damn thing I can do for her now except help her with her groceries, remind her of what day it is 124 times a day and wonder when she is going to forget who I am to her.
If this was anyone else, someone I wasn’t so attached to on so many different levels, I think holding space would be easier.
I have an attachment to the outcome.
The outcome is going to be her death.
How can I do this?
Minute by minute right now.
I find myself in silly little arguments with her about if she saw the dentist or not (She swears she has not, I have taken her three times)
Most of my brain knows that she has absolutely no immediate recall.
Most of my brain knows that it doesn’t matter. Her oral health has been addressed.
Most of my brain knows without a doubt that she will forget this little tiff in 15 minutes.
But a part of my heart wants to believe that if I can argue enough, be logical and persuasive enough, she will start to remember and get better.
My lesson and journey in this is minute by minute being there for her and not for me. When I am there for me in her journey, I take away from the sacredness of her final path.
I have to be there for myself in other ways, outside the sacred circle around her ( this is how I envision it in my head) when I do for me, I can hold space for her.
I just finished a new Oracle deck and usually as I am creating a deck, I do a few readings with them to ‘test them out’.
I asked to be shown what I needed to know about this here and now with my mom.
Taking a leap
My reason to be here is to hold space for her and boy have I been resisting it! The advice was to take the leap and be all in.
There is no do over in this.
I love that term. It conjures up an image in my head of a
stalwart heroin who has such an impeccable moral compass at her wisdom
and style get her and her friends out of many dire straits.
I watch a lot of old movies. That is where my fantasy life dwells. Ideally in a
perfect example from the early 1940s that looks like Gene Tierney would
How do you know your True North?
What does it look
What does it feel like?
What does not having it feel and look like?
Not being connected to your
true north feels like being adrift. Reacting to the energies around you
in a way that is separate from your soul’s purpose.
there are four aspects of who we all are and think we are
# 1 - Perception - how others perceive you
# 2 - Persona - how
you want to be perceived by others
# 3 - Ego - a snapshot of your self esteem ( or lack of) and self importance.
#4 - Self -
this is our soul - who and what we really are & what we stand for. This ties in to what we need and what we are here to do.#4 is your True North.
This is the
real you at your deepest core level.
this it the part of you that is you can
always depend on when your world is spinning out of control.
How do I
know what my true north is?
Try this exercise: Take a piece of paper and a pen.
Write on the left
hand side 1 - 4.
Leave six lines between each number.
At number 1 - write ‘Perception’
Number 2 write ‘Persona’
Number 3 write ‘Ego ’
and at Number 4 write ‘I am’
Draw 6 bullet
points under each number.
At #1 - come up with six words to describe what you
feel is other people’s perception of you.
#2 - six words describing what you want
people to think of you. Be honest no one else is going to see this. And
remember there’s nothing wrong with wanting to
be perceived a certain way!
#3 write what the doest hat small voice in your head tell you all the time number?
#4- dig deep. What is is it that truly makes you you? Who are you really? You
may uncover that your #4 is close to
your #1 or #3 is complete opposite to #4.
Remember our ego is supposed to protect us. If your True North is
bright then all things are possible, your ego, not a judgment, is more like ‘wahoo Nelly’.
Go through each section. Are there words that
are on all the lists? Are there characteristics of #4 that do not
show up anywhere else? Ponder this. When I created this exercise & did it, I found my #4
contains “silly” as part of my true essence. I can be
very silly - very very very few people get to see that. I need to look at
why. That’s it. Your mission if you choose to accept this is to think about
this: What is keeping you from truly showing the world who you are? Only
when we accept and embrace who and what
we truly are can we be confident to walk into our future at the highest
The last few months has seen a move, finishing up with a (looonngg) over due project to my editor, the Color Your Own Tarot (aka the monkey on my back!) and the Wild Elemental Oracle finished. I got very sick (because, duh, listening to my body and stress….) attempting to stay healthy, working on an emerging artist program I was lucky enough to get accepted in, my apprenticeship, my community work and you know, trying to have a social life.
You alway think once a project is done, you will have lovely long stretches of nothingness to do.
Yes, you heard me… HA!
I realize I am less than 10 weeks away froth Capital Arts Fest and I have no inventory!
So I will get back into the studio. To be honest I am itching to paint again, after what feels like YEARS! No EONS!!! of drawing. (in reality, just about 240 drawings - I may be a bit dramatic )
I am not alone! So many fill up their time.
Fill up their lives.
I am starting to believe that we can apply the decluttering/minimalism/Marie Kondo to not only our ‘things’ but the people and activities we choose to let in.
Your phone buzzes.
You pick it up. See the text. It is someone you know. You may or may not REALLY like them. You put your phone down and continue what you are doing.
A few hours or even the next day, you see the unanswered text and realize you never responded to them.
Your phone buzzes.
You pick it up. See the text. A huge smile spreads across your face and you immediately focus on answering. Maybe you are making plans to get together. Maybe they are sending something that makes you laugh.
Whatever it is, they get your undivided attention. Even if only for a moment since you are at work.
That my friends is sparking joy.
Why do you have a life filled with people and activities and stuff that beings you no joy ?(yeah, yeah, I get toilet paper and silverware, your boss etc. do not spark joy. But come on, you are being difficult now and you know it. )
Konmari the sh*t out of your life.
Your attention, energy and resources are valuable. Spend them where it makes the most sense. Where you will get the most return. ROI for the left brainers here.