Getting Overwhelmed…. and Vulnerable.

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I try to always be open, honest and authentic with those around me. 

I think we all do, to the level of our awareness.

But with myself…HAHAHAHA

Sorry… was that out loud?

I am the first person to tell you that I routinely lie to myself. 

And these lies come to bite me on the a** lots of times. 

For instance, most people who know me know that I am the first person to volunteer for something, be it to help friends/family, sign up for a committee, work extra…. I’ve really went deep before to make sure this wasn’t to be liked or valued… it isn’t, I truly really like to be busy and have fun. 

However I have always managed to sidestep the next level of self questioning, which is “Why do I like to be so busy?”

An innocent remark from a friend a few weeks ago made me hit pause and have to look at this. My BFF (since 2nd grade :) ) was texting me 2 days after a move I recently made and I had been out that evening, she asked me where I was. I told her I had volunteered for a committee to put together a new event in our community. 

her response “I was wondering how long it would take you to dive into something new after the move ” (The move btw had sapped me physically and emotionally)

That made me perk up and start thinking. 

I sat down with pen and paper and made a list of everything that was currently on my plate:

1. unpacking and settling in after a move

2. work

3. two decks of cards due in less than 60 days

4. work in a program for emerging artists i had been accepted in

5. creating work for a street fair in September

6. creating work for an exhibit in November

7. ongoing marketing and creating social media content for my two decks

8. developing workshops around my cards that I really REALLY want to do

9. stewarding my relationships with friends and family

10. assisting with a gala for a friend

11. helping to organize my (mumble mumble)  high school reunion

12. committee for another summer event

13. newest community event

14. trying to stay healthy and in shape 

Its too much really. 

I cannot be effective if I am trying to do all of this, no matter how well I manage my time. 

I end up frustrated, resentful and physically sick. 

which is not the quality of life I want and it does not help my health, my relationships or enable me to produce the best possible work I can. 

I mean, I am not a capricorn (lol) I am a leo… I love laying around and having fun. 

I challenged myself to look at this issue as and be completely honest with myself. 

What would my life look like if half of those activities were cut out? 

Boring.

But would it really?

I have friends, family, activities, work, creativity….. and you know… sleep and fun….

Then it hit me. I am not bored. I am lonely. (and it PAINS me to type those words) I have been divorced for about 10 years now. I am not in a relationship. I like being in relationships. Though I have not been in one really since my divorce. I like being with and doing for a special someone. 

I have kept myself to busy to be in a relationship. Being so busy keeps me from feeling that. 

Because…?

Because relationships to me, now, are scary.

Sigh.

Yet another layer of the onion being peeled back. 

I thought I was done with these freaking lessons. 

Not really… (( yes..really)) 

So I am slowly NOT replacing activities, commitments and projects once they are done. 

What are you lying to yourself about?

Go deep.

Don’t be afraid. 

Fear keeps you locked in a soundproof room.

You cannot hear the call of your soul to move forward and grow.