Habits are hard to start, but sometimes even harder to maintain!

I started to meditate years… YEARS ago. I can honestly say it changed my life. It was challenging to start out with, I didn’t know what I was ‘suppose’ to be doing/thinking/feeling…..

So I started with guided meditations. This gave my little monkey brain a toy to play with. lol 

Then as I became comfortable with it, and I learned there was really not right or wrong way to meditate, I got into a really good place with my practice. I could get into the ‘zone’ very quickly, that muscle had been developed and worked.

Over the years; between life, becoming complacent with my awareness of the part meditation played in my life and the strength it gave me, I will honestly say I maybe meditate once a week now. 

MAYBE

I am not proud of that. I have realized that my meditation muscles have become flabby!!!!

I have decided that I want to focus on getting back into a strong meditation practice. 

To do this I am committing to making time to meditate daily for 30-60 min. 

DAILY!

No weekends off. No soreness to contend with!

Do you want to join me? I am going to be on Instagram (@michellemotuzas) daily to pull a card as a focus for that days meditation and talk about the things that come up when you commit to sitting in your feelings and all the stuff that comes up with a strong meditation practice.

So please, I need people to call me out and expect me to show up…otherwise, I am pretty lazy and tremendously ADD and will see a shiny squirrel and drop off.

I would love to see you !

Holding space is a true
selfless act on a soul level

It is when
you journey through tough times, emotional issues with someone and do not
judge, offer advice, or try to steer in any way. You are there to hold the
space around them as a safe and secure space for them to feel and process their
emotions in whatever way or timetable they need.

But what if, all you want to do it to FIX IT for them?

It is sooooo hard!

I get it. I am the caregiver for my mom who has dementia.

I CAN’T fix it. I am helpless.

All I can do is hold space for her during this last part of her life.

I see fear, confusion, anger, denial, and pain flash in her face on a daily basis. Every cell in me wants to make things better  for her.

She gave me life, she raised me, loved me and kept me safe. 

And there is not a damn thing I can do for her now except help her with her groceries, remind her of what day it is 124 times a day and wonder when she is going to forget who I am to her.

If this was anyone else, someone I wasn’t so attached to on so many different levels, I think holding space would be easier. 

I have an attachment to the outcome.

The outcome is going to be her death.

How can I do this?

Minute by minute right now. 

I find myself in silly little arguments with her about if she saw the dentist or not (She swears she has not, I have taken her three times)

Most of my brain knows that she has absolutely no immediate recall.

Most of my brain knows that it doesn’t matter. Her oral health has been addressed.

Most of my brain knows without a doubt that she will forget this little tiff in 15 minutes. 

But a  part of my heart wants to believe that if I can argue enough, be logical and persuasive enough, she will start to remember and get better.

My lesson and journey in this is minute by minute being there for her and not for me. When I am there for me in her journey, I take away from the sacredness of her final path.

I have to be there for myself in other ways, outside the sacred circle around her ( this is how I envision it in my head) when I do for me, I can hold space for her. 

I just finished a new Oracle deck and usually as I am creating a deck, I do a few readings with them to ‘test them out’.

I asked to be shown what I needed to know about this here and now with my mom.

I got 

Holding Space

Resistance

Taking a leap

My reason to be here is to hold space for her and boy have I been resisting it! The advice was to  take the leap and be all in.

There is no do over in this.

True North.

I love that term. It conjures up an image in my head of a
stalwart heroin who has such an impeccable moral compass at her wisdom
and style get her and her friends out of many dire straits.

What?

Okay,
hey.

 I watch a lot of old movies. That is where my fantasy life dwells. Ideally in a
perfect example from the early 1940s that looks like Gene Tierney would
wear it.

I digress.

How do you know your True North?

What does it look
like?

What does it feel like?

What does not having it feel and look like?

Not being connected to your
true north feels like being adrift. Reacting to the energies around you
in a way that is separate from your soul’s purpose.

Basically
there are four aspects of who we all are and think we are
.

# 1 -  Perception -  how others perceive you

# 2 -  Persona -  how
you want to be perceived by others

# 3 - Ego - a snapshot of your self esteem ( or lack of) and self importance.

#4 - Self - 
this is our soul -  who and what we really are & what we stand for. This ties in to what we need and what we are here to do.#4  is your True North.

This is the
real you at your deepest core level.

this it the part of you that is you can
always depend on when your world is spinning out of control.

How do I
know what my true north is?


Try this exercise: Take a piece of paper and a pen.

Write on the left
hand side 1 - 4.

Leave six lines between each number.

At number 1 -  write ‘Perception’

Number 2 write ‘Persona’

Number 3  write ‘Ego ’

and at Number 4 write ‘I am’

 Draw 6 bullet
points under each number.

At #1 - come up with six words to describe what you
feel is other people’s perception of you.

#2 - six words describing what you want
people to think of you. Be honest no one else is going to see this. And
remember there’s nothing wrong with wanting to
be perceived a certain way!

#3 write what the doest hat small voice in your head tell you all the time number?

#4- dig deep. What is is it that truly makes you you? Who are you really? You
may uncover that your #4 is close to
your #1 or #3  is complete opposite to #4.
Remember our ego is supposed to protect us. If your True North is
bright then all things are possible, your ego, not a judgment, is more like ‘wahoo Nelly’.

Go through each section. Are there  words that
are on all the lists? Are there characteristics of #4 that do not
show up anywhere else? Ponder this. When I created this exercise & did it, I found my #4
contains “silly” as part of my true essence. I can be
very silly - very very very few people get to see that. I need to look at
why. That’s it. Your mission if you choose to accept this is to think about
this: What is keeping you from truly showing the world who you are? Only
when we accept and embrace who and what
we truly are can we be confident to walk into our future at the highest
possible