Holding Space when all you want to do is FIX IT!

Holding space is a true
selfless act on a soul level

It is when
you journey through tough times, emotional issues with someone and do not
judge, offer advice, or try to steer in any way. You are there to hold the
space around them as a safe and secure space for them to feel and process their
emotions in whatever way or timetable they need.

But what if, all you want to do it to FIX IT for them?

It is sooooo hard!

I get it. I am the caregiver for my mom who has dementia.

I CAN’T fix it. I am helpless.

All I can do is hold space for her during this last part of her life.

I see fear, confusion, anger, denial, and pain flash in her face on a daily basis. Every cell in me wants to make things better  for her.

She gave me life, she raised me, loved me and kept me safe. 

And there is not a damn thing I can do for her now except help her with her groceries, remind her of what day it is 124 times a day and wonder when she is going to forget who I am to her.

If this was anyone else, someone I wasn’t so attached to on so many different levels, I think holding space would be easier. 

I have an attachment to the outcome.

The outcome is going to be her death.

How can I do this?

Minute by minute right now. 

I find myself in silly little arguments with her about if she saw the dentist or not (She swears she has not, I have taken her three times)

Most of my brain knows that she has absolutely no immediate recall.

Most of my brain knows that it doesn’t matter. Her oral health has been addressed.

Most of my brain knows without a doubt that she will forget this little tiff in 15 minutes. 

But a  part of my heart wants to believe that if I can argue enough, be logical and persuasive enough, she will start to remember and get better.

My lesson and journey in this is minute by minute being there for her and not for me. When I am there for me in her journey, I take away from the sacredness of her final path.

I have to be there for myself in other ways, outside the sacred circle around her ( this is how I envision it in my head) when I do for me, I can hold space for her. 

I just finished a new Oracle deck and usually as I am creating a deck, I do a few readings with them to ‘test them out’.

I asked to be shown what I needed to know about this here and now with my mom.

I got 

Holding Space

Resistance

Taking a leap

My reason to be here is to hold space for her and boy have I been resisting it! The advice was to  take the leap and be all in.

There is no do over in this.